The very best part of 2014 can be summed up in one simple fact.

There are just barley 3 fucking days left in it.

I’ve had some bad years before, maybe even worse than this. At the moment that’s of little consolation.

This year has been about loss, indecision and a murky future. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, for this fugue to break, but it refuses.

Right now my mind cannot reckon what is to be, only mire itself in what was. It’s weight the Mariner’s albatross.

Let us begin at the beginning.

2014.

January
My best friend in the entire world Sare severed all ties with me after I confronted her on her alcoholism and borderline personality disorder–my speculation–not a clinical diagnosis. Singly the most painful loss of a friend I’ve ever personally experienced.

Febuary
Valentines day, Jessica dumps me. She probably had good reason. It still fucking hurts.

My daughter whom I’ve had an on again off again relationship with severed all ties with me as well. Our situation is a complicated one, and the subject for a future post.

March
I turned 43 and realized I’m in exactly the same place I was 15 years ago in terms of life career and love.

May
The bestest boss I’ve ever had in the world left the company I work for. ‘Nuff said.

Summer
It was hot and filled with work related uncertainty.

November
My mother began the slow descent into death. Currently she is on the mend, but it’s still a roller-coaster of emotions. I said goodbye to her twice for what I thought was the last time.

December
Everywhere I look I see reminders of the family and friends I don’t have. I have family, I’m just not close to most of them for reasons I bear not go into. I have friends, a couple rather close ones in fact, but mostly they are “work” friends or people I know to passing degrees of acquaintanceship. Nothing close to a family in the true sense and modern usage of the word.

I feel restless and rudderless.

I am not eating.

I sleep 20 hours in a day at a times.

I am “stuck” awake for days at a time on occasion.

Nothing feels normal anymore.

My vegansin is in peril.

I am not being a good Buddhist.

My sobriety is at risk.

I. Am. Lost.

-Rob