Snarking at Something or Other Rantings from my brainbox.

5Apr/120

Girlfriend Application.

I'm going to just jump straight in and start accepting applications.  Due to the expected high volume do not despair if you do not hear from me immediately.  I will get to you as fast as I can.

 

-Are you female?

-If you aren't, do you look good in hose?

-If you are, can I have your address & phone number?

-Do you mind if I play with my hard drive? My floppy drive? How do you feel about large capacity storage devices with large transfer rates? (BLU-RAY Writers)

-Does computer dorkishness bother you?

-Will you psychoanalyze me?

-If you do, will you please leave me alone?

-Do you have a kleenex, a fishing bobber, a mathematic book & a purple pen on your desk too? (Yes, its a desperate attempt at a pickup line.)

-Do pocket protectors excite you?

-How about checkered hunting pants and taped glasses?

-Do you know how to program in more than one language?

-Do you know how to program in more than two languages?

-Can you program in Swahili?

-Will you hit me very much?

-Are you available Friday night?

-How about next Saturday?

-How about Sunday?

-Ok, the Friday after that?

-k, any time soon?

-What brand of pocket calculator do you prefer?

-Do you have more hair on your upper lip than I do?

-Can you add more than two numbers simultaneously?

-Do you drink?

-Do you drink a lot?

-Don't you think you should drink a lot in order to avoid dehydration?

-Do you find drooling on pillow attractive?

-I don't really drool on my pillow, but isn't it a good way to meet people?

-Do you have a better computer than I do? Can I play on it?

- Will I have more fun with
a) going on a date with you
b) gnawing my arm off rather than risk waking you up by moving it
c) run for a political office in a remote third world country

-Can you come up with long lists at random seemingly out of thin air?

-How about at sea level where the air is thicker?

-Do you feel that PV=nRT is an appropriate equation when we really don't have an ideal gas that it can model?

-If you only have one M&M is it just a M? Or is it M&M/2?

-What's the fastest land mammal?

- How do you feel about premarital holding hands? kissing? sex? wild passionate orgies involving lime green jello and rice krispies coupons?

-With Cheerios coupons?

-How much do I have to pay you to go out with me?

-Do you know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

-Is that an African or a European swallow? (Bonus Points) Can you quote Monty Python from heart?

-Do you brush your teeth with denture cream?

-Do you find hemmerhoid commercials that air during dinner appetizing?

-Do you have more than one computer?

-Do you wear glasses?

-Are they bifocals?

-Do they get in the way of kissing?

-Do you have your own protective case for them?

-Do you tape them?

-Do you clean them with spit & your shirt tails?

- Do you mind if I clean my glasses with your shirt tails?

-What exactly is a shirt tail? Where's the head?

-Do you think that it should be termed a head or a restroom?

(1) If its a restroom, why don't people rest there?

(2) Do people get lots of rest when they die?

(3) If you die, does that mean you can't go to McDonald's any more?

(4) Why did McDonald's stop using animal fat on their fries?

(5) Do you like ketchup? (On your fries)

(6) How about other condiments?

(7) How about mint flavored condoms?

(8) Who came up with that idea for the stealth condom anyway?

(9) Doesn't the Stealth Bomber carry nuclear bombs?

(10) Did you know that nuclear bombs cause lower SAT scores from low level radiation fallout that invades cow's milk? They also cause nuclear war, which as every good debater knows, restrooms cause nuclear war!

-You are in college aren't you?

-Ok, past junior high?

-Do you shoot people for having bad puns?

-Will you laugh at my bad puns in order to make me think that I might stand a chance at going out with you again?

-Will you hold past relationships over my head? Can I hold past relationships over your head?

-Are you a bigger nerd than I am?

-Close to the same?

-Actually normal?

-Popular enough not to be seen in the same time zone with me?

-Can you tie cherry stems in knots with your tongue? Can you tie a bowline with it?

-Do you like Meatloaf as a musical group?

-Do you like meatloaf as a dinner dish?

-Do you think that both Meatloaf and meatloaf could use a little seasoning and that both are pretty much despised by the civilized world.

-Please explain in 1000 words or more, with the advent of the medium, fine, and thick point ball point pens, how will this impact reindeer trade in Scandinavia?

-Is 42 really an appropriate answer to Life the Universe and Everything? Don't you think 34 would have been better?

-Do you ever find people staring over your shoulder? Does it bother you when they get drool on your sweater?

-Asphinctersayswhat? Was it better in the first movie or the second?

-I think that Saturday night live was much better in the past. That's a statement, not a question. Just thought I might share that.

-Would it bother you if I told you that I really was a fish in the ocean that was a toaster imagining it was god? Would you send me for psychiatric evaluation, or just tell me that a rose by any other name would still be called Ray Charles?

-Did you know that 9^9^9 is the biggest number you can represent with only three digits?

-Did you know that $0.32 is about the biggest number I can represent with my check book?

-Hi, I'm Rob. What's your name?

That's it. If you scored over 3245.678*10^32, chances are you'll be perfect. Write me E-Mail.
If you scored around 100, write me E-Mail
If you scored around 50, write me E-mail
If you scored around 10, write me E-mail
if you didn't answer a single question, write me E-mail
if you got them all wrong to the point of getting the federal deficit as a score, but you still think I'm more attractive than Alan Greenspan, write me E-mail.

Or, if you like, you could write me E-mail. phundle at gmail.com

-R

*Shameless stolen and modified from whoever this guy is.

 

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